New Year's Eve's Eve

What the hell is happening to me? I am so happy, so ecstatic, I feel I am popping out of my skin with excitement today. Let's review:

It's snowing. It's been snowing since last night. This is a universal stimulant for me. I moved back to Minnesota in 1994 because I missed the snow! Real Winter - boots and mittens - sledding. Anyone who complains when it snows should leave, I will help them pack. Take your black karma psyche and leave. Snow makes me happy happy happy!

Xmas is over. The gift-giving thing is annoying. People and their hyper-driven have-to-do-this-and-that-in-this-and-that-way annoy me. (See previous post about solstice) We are on to New Years and the heart of the Winter.

I got money and I got work. Maybe too much work, but that's better than too little work. Money does not solve anything, but given the choice of being with money or without money and anyone will take the money route. The key here is I am free to do what I want.

Cheryl is in town. Actually she is just leaving today, but she has been in town for 2 weeks now, and we have had some fun. She drinks and rides - well! What else do I have to tell you?

Gena is talking to me again! I treated her bad on her last visit, I was a pig and a bad person and friend. I'm really glad we talked about it and got through it cause Gena is kick-ass!

Girls like me! This was highly in doubt for the last year, but the veil is slowly lifting on the past. Girls like me and I still like girls. Time to live a big fat juicy wonderful life - with girls.

What a spot to be in on the eve of the eve of the new year! The word of the day is kick-ass!

Xmas in the Wasteland

I'm feeling completely disassociated with xmas this year. My extended family is christian, and pretty practicing at that, but it holds nothing for me. The reason for the season is completely different for me.

The real celebration is the solstice, the celebration of the changing from darkness to lightness. But what do you do here in christianland? The society here revolves around the christ king and his associated holidays, but they just don't mean anything to me anymore.

Then again, a party and social gathering is what it is. Don't call me late for dinner, and you have to love the home-made cookies.

Around me I've heard a lot of grumbling and outrage about not being able to say "Merry XXXXXmas". I feel like a secret agent in a foriegn country because I don't what to hear their myopic theologic propaganda. Religious intolerance is alive and well right in your backyard. Better wake up.

The Morning After Solstice

I guess it's just another day except for the following:

There is a lot of popcorn scattered on my kithcen floor. I need a bigger bowl to serve popcorn or my guests got a little tipsy. (both are probably true)

My favorite golf sweater smells like smoke. Many 'releases' were sent up in smoke as we embraced the longest night of the year. It was the first fire here at the new place, what a fitting and timely welcome. I'm home.

My brain is thick and dull. I would guess that I am not the only one to be dulled by overserving myself last night. True to vampire form, I was not able to make up for any lost sleep last night either.

My spirit is soaring today! The invite went out a day before the party and I had a huge circle of friends around the fire last night. Many had never met each other. The joy of having such good friends is so incredible.

Time to catch up with my life. I will start posting photos to my website again, which I have neglected since February. It's another example of my terrible mental state over the last year.

Vampire Solstice

As redevelopment of the reworked Wilbur v19.4 continues, there are bound to be some changes and adjustments. In conjunction with the extreme seasons here, I have now entered the Vampire Solstice phase.

Bedtime has now slipped to 4 am, and as always happens with vampirism, wakeup call is only slightly shifted to 9:30. Do the math. What happened to the nightly 8?

Obviously there are lots of logical reasons for the shift. There's the new space, with lots of organizing and unpacking and purging and expansion. New digs are new digs. There's work and industry and the ongoing need of the self-employed to never say no, even while their lives are dissolving. Of course I can always use the money. There's the season and the reason, but I don't give a crap about that.

Then again, there are the less obvious emotional and psychological causes of vampirism. Who wants to go to bed when you just lay there and continue to process a thousand threads of pain that all point to the void.

Thank god there are seasons, each one has its place. Tonight is solstice, in fact, the actual turn of the season is in just 50 minutes from now! The darkening is over, we have hit rock bottom! That is such good news 'cause there's only one way to go now. Bring on the light!

49 minutes and counting. Have I reached rock bottom? Will I feel the turn? Right.

The Next Step

I did it today. I have been thinking about it for a week now, and this morning I did it.

I deleted the links to the ex's blog, removed her from the friends list on OkCupid, removed my links to follow and spy on her and her life.

It sounds trivial and silly, but the psychological ramifications are immense.

It's a HUGE thing. I miss her so much. I moved out a month ago, but I could not let go. I let go a lot today. It hurts. I knew it would, but knowing and feeling are very different things.

Last night at yoga I realized that I was happy there with her, really happy. Happy as in committed to a life plan of having her there, as part of me and my existence. Her job was not to do my laundry, it was to fill my spirit. She made my life better and I wanted to be there.

Things didn't go down for her that way. That means that I failed. That's so hard to accept because I was so happy and I tried so hard and I wanted it to work - forever.

We are done. No, I mean really done. Done as in when the words left her mouth, our existence as I knew it was gone. We traded the emails and messages to manage the bills. That's it. no contact - no discussion - no crying - no yelling - no sighs - no sadness - no talking - no acceptance - no rejection - no comfort - no discomfort - no resolve - no understanding - no recognition that this was the single most important person to ever be in my life - ever. The world record holder, grand slam winner, the tip top of the human universe. Nothing.

(Looks like Wilbur will have some emotional homework to catch up on in the coming years, including Summer sessions)

Yoga tells us that we need to let go to be free. I know it's true, but it hurts today. It's a deep pain that makes me want to lay in my bed and hope that I will sleep to escape, but sleep never comes. I just lay there and ache. The dull thud in every part of my body. It is the ache of the heart that makes the back on my throat hurt. It won't be going away tomorrow either.

Brewology

Today was another brewing session with Aaron, Mike and I. We brewed up a batch by combining the recipe for Bell's Two Hearted Ale and using the constant hop infusion technique of Dogfish Head. The result should be a close match to the Bells, but with lots of hoppy flavor and aroma.

I am all about the brew these days. Over the Summer when things at Vincent were so shitty, my participation in the brewing process was marginal, pathetic. I even missed a few brew days because I needed to spend more 'time' being involved. What a sad state of life. The scene now is quite different.

That's what's so nice about having brew partners, there are others there to influence and affect the process. This past Summer Aaron was all about the hops, and we brewed some super hoppy batches. Things seem to be getting more involved with his girl now, and it's my turn to be all jazzed up about brewing. I have been all over the browns, stouts and porters.

In January I start the MHA's Beer Judge Certification Program. In just 14 weeks I will be able to judge beer at National contests - if I pass the test that is. Mostly I am interested in learning lots and lots more about brewing.

Now it's on to studing FrontPage to teach a class tomorrow. Ugh.