More Illumination

Today I was out on the front porch with Greta the cat, giving her a change of scenery and me a little break from nothing actually. We were out there and chatting on the phone when Steve drives by and stops in. Lots of talk, and then time to eat something. I'm really not hungry, but I go along anyway, because I am pretty depressed. That deep down depressed that keeps me around the house unable to do anything some days.

We walk down to the Gyro shop and he eats, and I have a soda and fries. We talk and then I realize.

I can't deal with the failure.

I failed - gave it everything I had and came up far short of the mark. I failed miserably. Miserably is the key word here, it was miserable for one year in and now 6 months out.

Failing is something I am not good at. I have little practice and no patience for it. Once you start succeeding, failing happens less and less. So when it does happen, I do not do well with it, I fall off the face of the earth. I guess this is good practice for real life.

For the first few months, the questions and inquiry really dogged me. What happened? Why? What could I have done? blah blah blah. I wanted some answers, more information. I was ready for the truth that I was afraid of and blocked out all along. But I didn't get it, no contact. Nothing to process, realize, understand, question.

Now I'm stuck. The questions and answers aren't so pressing now. What I am left with is the aftermath of the failure.

I don't have any new tricks for the next time around. How do you start again when the best you had was not even close to good enough?