Friday Night

Sitting at home waiting for my wingman to show. It's Friday night and I feel fine...

On Monday I will teach an iMovie class, so I am driving an iBook 12 inch for the weekend. The wingman and I are taking out his DV camera tonight, to capture some fodder for movie editing this weekend. The whole movie scene is on the horizon, the next logical step from photography, the next big creative pursuit.

So far, I hate the iBook, but that is probably just adjustment. Everything is SMALL, the screen, the keyboard, and it seems a little twitchy. As I fiddle, I realize how I leave a mark on the machine installations I touch. Why does everything come back to control issues? I think the iBook secretly wants to be driven hard and put away wet. Who better than me to run it through it's paces.

On another front, my oldest and dearest companion has broken a few days ago. My high school ring broke on Monday. I noticed a small crack in the band a few weeks ago, and Monday it broke clean through. This is only a minor setback, the ring can be recast by Jostens and returned to life. Without it I realize the attachment I have to it. It's always there, the familiar touch with the sides of my middle and little fingers. Now every unconscious adjustment becomes a conscious interruption and reminder to contact Jostens, pack up the ring and get it repaired.

Normally when the ring is gone, I feel the little panic - oh shot - until recognition recovers the location and circumstances for the ring's disappearance. There's usually only one reason to remove rings from one's fingers, which leaves long smooth fingers without sharp edges. Besides the ring slides off easily when the fingers are wet.

Gena's in town tonight, and the boys will be out to play. Tomorrow is the year's first Secret Full Moon Bonfire Party! We are meeting at the fire circle on Cedar lake. Steve and I recycled lots of wood and the announcement went out Monday. We'll see who shows.

The New Year

It's the new year, and I am slacking with the blog. Today I got an email from the She-Devil, telling me to write, just a little every day. When the She-Devil says write, by god you better get busy! Thanks for that!

What a week is was since the we celebrated our made-up New Year holiday! The high I was feeling on the eve of the eve turned into a pretty deep-black abysmal valley. Emotionally I fell from the turnip truck and was run over by the back wheels and the trailer. Could I have been so high because the low was on it's way?

Right now in my life the pain still comes from one source.

Every day is a struggle right now. My psyche is loaded with 'triggers'. They are little emotional and psychological patterns that just keep firing even when you do not want them to! Normally these patterns give your life a nice steady flow and balance, making you behave in an ordered manner. We build our lives around them, and they are a good thing. The struggle comes when you have a new life, and your patterns just don't apply anymore.

I'm so tired of waking up every morning with the first thoughts in my head, because they are all wrapped around a person and life I don't have anymore. Sure, they are easily dismissed, and with time and practice, they will be changed into new routines and patterns. It's just unsettling and painful now.

The emotional and personal blockade is still in full force. It might be even more enforced now than before. You can't really tell because in the void of any interaction you can't ascertain any change in situation!

I am noticing my own reaction to it, which is mimicry. This seems to be working for me, since it does not give me anything new to process. That allows me to get stuck with what I have and work through things I would have probably been likely to disregard. Yoga is helping too. Take out the violence and see what you have. It really changes the way I think about my approach to every situation.

The big regret is realizing how much of a dolt you really were, all in the name of love. Realizing the things I put up with, I need to have my head examined! That is my new job, I am on it, and it feels good.