The Next Step
I did it today. I have been thinking about it for a week now, and this morning I did it.
I deleted the links to the ex's blog, removed her from the friends list on OkCupid, removed my links to follow and spy on her and her life.
It sounds trivial and silly, but the psychological ramifications are immense.
It's a HUGE thing. I miss her so much. I moved out a month ago, but I could not let go. I let go a lot today. It hurts. I knew it would, but knowing and feeling are very different things.
Last night at yoga I realized that I was happy there with her, really happy. Happy as in committed to a life plan of having her there, as part of me and my existence. Her job was not to do my laundry, it was to fill my spirit. She made my life better and I wanted to be there.
Things didn't go down for her that way. That means that I failed. That's so hard to accept because I was so happy and I tried so hard and I wanted it to work - forever.
We are done. No, I mean really done. Done as in when the words left her mouth, our existence as I knew it was gone. We traded the emails and messages to manage the bills. That's it. no contact - no discussion - no crying - no yelling - no sighs - no sadness - no talking - no acceptance - no rejection - no comfort - no discomfort - no resolve - no understanding - no recognition that this was the single most important person to ever be in my life - ever. The world record holder, grand slam winner, the tip top of the human universe. Nothing.
(Looks like Wilbur will have some emotional homework to catch up on in the coming years, including Summer sessions)
Yoga tells us that we need to let go to be free. I know it's true, but it hurts today. It's a deep pain that makes me want to lay in my bed and hope that I will sleep to escape, but sleep never comes. I just lay there and ache. The dull thud in every part of my body. It is the ache of the heart that makes the back on my throat hurt. It won't be going away tomorrow either.
I deleted the links to the ex's blog, removed her from the friends list on OkCupid, removed my links to follow and spy on her and her life.
It sounds trivial and silly, but the psychological ramifications are immense.
It's a HUGE thing. I miss her so much. I moved out a month ago, but I could not let go. I let go a lot today. It hurts. I knew it would, but knowing and feeling are very different things.
Last night at yoga I realized that I was happy there with her, really happy. Happy as in committed to a life plan of having her there, as part of me and my existence. Her job was not to do my laundry, it was to fill my spirit. She made my life better and I wanted to be there.
Things didn't go down for her that way. That means that I failed. That's so hard to accept because I was so happy and I tried so hard and I wanted it to work - forever.
We are done. No, I mean really done. Done as in when the words left her mouth, our existence as I knew it was gone. We traded the emails and messages to manage the bills. That's it. no contact - no discussion - no crying - no yelling - no sighs - no sadness - no talking - no acceptance - no rejection - no comfort - no discomfort - no resolve - no understanding - no recognition that this was the single most important person to ever be in my life - ever. The world record holder, grand slam winner, the tip top of the human universe. Nothing.
(Looks like Wilbur will have some emotional homework to catch up on in the coming years, including Summer sessions)
Yoga tells us that we need to let go to be free. I know it's true, but it hurts today. It's a deep pain that makes me want to lay in my bed and hope that I will sleep to escape, but sleep never comes. I just lay there and ache. The dull thud in every part of my body. It is the ache of the heart that makes the back on my throat hurt. It won't be going away tomorrow either.
posted by Wylbur at 11:53 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home